Not New Movie Review

This is probably all you need from this article.

Waiting For Forever – Horrible.  A retarded magician type who looks like a poor man’s Benji Madsen pines incessantly over Rachel Bilson, who is only average anyway.  Then her dad dies and the homeless magic man talks to himself while his brother acts like a creep. The end.

The Romantics – Duhammel is flighty.  He can’t decide if he wants to bang Katie ‘weird stomach’ Holmes or Anna ‘the gapped tooth vampire banger’ Paquin.  But he put his money on the wrong filly, because a perfectly slutty, coked out Malin Ackerman is trying to take her clothes off all day.  Then it rains.

Welcome to the Rileys – In this critically acclaimed darling, Bella Swan does awkward movements with her hands, eats po’boys and talks about her ‘cooter’.  Tony Soprano shows up but doesn’t kill anyone.  At the end, they talk on the phone.  No nudity.  TOGTFO.

The Lincoln Lawyer – This is a great movie.  I can watch McCaughnahghgnyhgiouy chew scenery all day as a wise cracking street smart attorney who occasionally bangs his ex wife, Marissa Tomeiieiaiiaiaiia.

The Green Hornet – Seth Rogan plays a lovable shit head (himself) and a poor student of English plays his asian side kick.  Entertaining.

Every Day – Lee Schribbler plays a guy I hate in this stupid depressing piece of shit movie.  He is married to annual hot piece Helen Hunt.  But then sexy Cara Guguguglio comes in and starts doing blow with him and throwing down in the pool.  He gets mad at Eddie Izzard his boss. Then Brian Denehey dies.  Then I made popcorn.

You Again – Tiny POA Kristen Bell is a horrible acne-faced nerd in high school and sexy brunette is sexy.  They are mean to her, then she becomes a sophisticated woman but then her brother is going to tap hottie brunette.  In the end, I think they all had broken limbs.

Get Low – Bill Murray runs a funeral home and is a money hungry drunk.  Robert Duvall is an old man with a secret.  Then he dies.  Looks like Bill Murray is getting paid.

Let The Right One In – English Subtitles.  – A little vampire girl befriends a scrawny Scandinavian boy.  Weird sexual tension and murder ensue.

Morning Glory – Entertaining, rewatchable, Rachel McAdams has a great Hollywood’s best ass.

Due Date – This is Plains Trains and Automobiles without the lovable characters and with dumber jokes for real Americans who can’t think.

Imagine Me and You – A hot girl is about to get married.  Then one day she gets married.  Then the girl that made her cake is a hot lesbian.  Then she falls for the hot lesbian.  Then they make hot lesbian kiss.  Then the husband can’t find his pants (that’s a metaphor).  Then she meets up with the loud-voiced lesbian cake maker in heavy traffic.  That’s about all I remember.

Prime – I watched this one other time and forgot, so I watched it again.  I thought it was funnier the second time, but I just think Uma Thurman is weird now.  She sort of has a weird body now and she can look really ugly in the wrong light, which they used throughout most of this movie.  And I put Meryl Streep in the same place as Diane Keaton, and that place is about a quarter of a mile in front of me on the road tied to a chair while I drive a Mack truck straight at them at about 500MPH.  This also had that shit head guy from that one-off show with Jenna Elfman.  The young guy who knocked her up.  I don’t know what his name was but if I was him, and Meryl Streep was my mom and I was banging Uma Thurman, I’d probably hang myself see number four below.

Iron Man 2 – Well, what can I say about this show that hasn’t been said about the first one.  A man has a shitty ticker, so he beats up Russians and is cocky.  Then his dad left him a real nice to-scale model of a stupid town and the next thing you know, Mickey Rourke is rippin’ shit up.  Rip it up, Mickey! Also, Scarlett Jotitsen.

X-Men: First Class – Charles Xavier is fun and smart.  Some other guy is playing a young Magneto, who is the second greatest villain of all time behind Darth Vader.  Some hot bitches and people with limited abilities whale on Russians and Kevin Bacon.  I don’t care what anyone says, I imagine Kevin Bacon smells like cheap cigarettes and too much cologne.  For shit sakes Kevin, just dab it on.  You want her to come in close to smell more of it, not make her think there is a gas cloud headed her way.  January Jones may be pretty, but imagine when you kiss her she slowly steals your soul until you become a joyless asshole.

 Take Me Home Tonight – One time I walked in on my Dad taking a shit.  It was pretty uncomfortable as you can imagine.  That’s sort of how I felt for most of this movie.  I felt like I was watching Topher Grace and Anna Farris take a shit.  But then it kind of redeemed itself.  Like if you watched Anna Farris take a shit, but then it was okay because you had been married for about 20 years and you could laugh about how bad it smelled.  You know, no big deal.

Farm Girl In New York – Complete dog shit.  Here’s a short list of what I WILL do before I watch this ever again.
1. Shoot someone
2. Shoot myself
3. Shoot someone, then shoot myself
4. Give a homeless man an unsolicited blow job
5. Repeatedly and deliberately slam my hand into a car door
6. Hit my own toes with a hammer
7. Swallow lit firecrackers
8. Machette suppository

I seriously had to pay Blockbuster for this one because instead of sending it back I put it in a plastic bag and threw it in the garbage.  I bet the recycle center sorters were pissed when they reached in and pulled out that piece of shit!



~ by maxaverage on October 3, 2011.

One Response to “Not New Movie Review”

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