Not New Movie Review


Fox is greater than Rose

Transformers: Dark of the Moon: Someone less hot than Megan Fox is now trying to strut her shit.  That dumb Shia La Beef is running around, wanting to help, but if he proved anything in the last three years it’s that he is very adept at running away from robots.  In his defense, he actually kills one.  Then it just ends real abrupt and I get the feeling that’s how Shia La Beef has sex.  He runs around scared for about two hours and forty minutes and then it’s just over real quick.  Also, the last scene is a shot of John Turturro kissing Francis McDormand.  Sorry, that wasn’t even hot 20 years ago.  So I watched this whole movie and your punchline is that?  No tits at all?  TOGTFO.

Horrible Bosses:  Three guys are having shitty lives, mainly because one of them is whiny Jason Bateman and the other two are cast in a role.  Then we are led to believe that Jenifer Aniston is a sexy dentist who tries to manipulate her co-worker into a sexual relationship, so basically she plays herself.  Then a bunch of unrealistic shit happens and that’s about all I remember.  I think Kevin Spacey killed someone.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides: Well, if it wasn’t for Olivia Wilde Wynona Rider Kiera Knightly Penelope Cruz? Seriously?  That’s what this movie has been reduced to?  Well, if you like drug addicts walking around spouting cliches and uttering barely audible pirate speak, then let me tell you, go rent this movie today.  We couldn’t even get some weird mermaid tits in this one?  Seriously?

Bad Teacher: I’ll watch anything with Jason Segel in it.  But I find it very hard to swallow Cameron Diaz, as she also finds it hard to swallow, as judging from her slew of boyfriends.  (ZING* they dump her because she doesn’t swallow!) Well anyway, that dumb broad just wants some fake titties so she can lasso a rich jerkwad that she can later cheat on into oblivion while she milks and bilks him for every penny and holy shit, this is the greatest metaphor for America ever made!  FIVE STARS! In all honesty, I thought it would be funnier.  Also in this movie is a really good sex scene where Justin Timberlake pretends to be Shia La Beef (see above).  Classic cinematography, textbook method acting.

Hobo With A Shotgun: HOLY SHIT.  This will replace the whale in my nightmares.  Not because of it’s gore.  It’s just a bad movie.  And after all the schlock and blood and discharge, no tits?!?!

True Grit: Here’s a story about a closeted gay Matt Damon and a one-eyed fat Jeff Bridges fighting on the side of right in the name of a future one-armed woman.  I guess we are all crippled, in some manner or another, and it’s the way we shoot four men on a dead gallop with a gun or let a snake bite us or take a big rock to the head and then kill a man at 500 yards that determines our true grit.

Thor: This is a movie about a Viking god who comes to earth to bang it with Natalie Portman.  Who can blame him?!?  Then he saves the world after inadvertently causing it to need saving in the first place.  Well, now the damned thing is broke that sends him here but I know they fix it because he’s in that new movie coming out sometime in the future where he comes to earth to bang it out with Natalie Portman.  Who can blame him?!?

Bridesmaids:  This movie had two funny parts.  The part where Melissa McCarthy shits in the sink and the part where Kristen Wiig calls the high school girl a cunt.  Okay, three parts.  The part at the end where she drives around trying to get the ginger cop’s attention.  John Hamm’s chest makes an appearance too, for all you ladies out there.  Overall, it was not nearly as funny as what most people will say it is, but it’s also way funnier than most of the dreck that comes out these days.

Skip transformers and skip Hobo With A Shotgun.  Watch Bridesmaids.  Watch Bad Teacher drunk.  Indifferent on all the rest.  Although Thor was decent.


~ by maxaverage on November 7, 2011.

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