Not New Movie Review

WRITTEN BY MAX

BenKingsleyPatrickStewart, His Nose, The Jake G, and Other Man’s Arm

This seems to be a fairly popular segment.  So, I figured I would cover some more awful movies currently available on DVD.  First, though, am I the only one who confuses Ben Kingsley and Patrick Stewart?  According to a recent survey I took of myself, those two dudes are brothers.  I don’t care what anyone says!

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time – My girlfriend, put it best when she said, “I wish I had one of those stupid sand knives so I could get my two hours back.”

Tangled – Well, my niece loves it.  I played a lot of Angry Birds while we watched it.  If your missus needs to watch a cartoon movie or God forbid you have kids, it’s worth a watch.  Otherwise, just go put on a blonde wig and sing to yourself about your dumb old mom or your pet lizard.  Tape it.  Watch it.  There you go.  That’s the movie.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – I really enjoyed the Narnia books and the first couple of movies so you can imagine my disappointment when I felt this move was a let down.  It’s like the romantic Lothario who wines and dines and sixty nines you to bits, but after a couple romps in the hay, now he just wants to blow his wad and go play video games. I’m not some whore you pick up at the bar, 20th Century Fox.  I demand more.

Freaks and Geeks: The Series – I’m going to get killed for this one, but I hated this.  I had such high hopes for this series, and I like all the actors.  Especially Jason Segal.  Well, I didn’t even finish the series.  So boo hoo Freaks and Geeks fan.  Someone didn’t like your precious little show.

The Walking Dead Season One – I fucking loved this.  My girlfriend thought it was too gory for her, and it is not for kids, but holy shit, they do an excellent job of showing what it could realistically be like if any type of apocalypse happened.  Believe me, if shit goes down, hope you don’t live in a big city.  Anyway, I know everyone says it’s awesome, but that’s because it is.  Don’t rent, go buy the DVDs.  You will watch them over and over.

Zodiac – This movie came out a few years ago and I didn’t rent it.  Then I rented it about a half a year ago.  Now I want to go rent it again.  You should do the same.

The Green Lantern – I’ll watch anything with Ryan Reynolds.  I’ll watch anything with Blake Lively as long has her dress is short.  I like Peter Sarsgaard.  This movie though?  Kind of shitty.  I mean, it was okay, but there are some parts that make you feel you are watching a Saturday morning cartoon, and not a good one like Johnny Quest or Bird Man, but a shitty one like Hercules and the Herculeans.  Man I bet that pissed He-Man off.  Here he is, just trying to ride a tiger and save the universe, and here’s this dickwad Hercules and his two pet blobs, coming in, stealing his air time.  Fuck you, Hercules.  USA! USA!

Crazy Stupid Love – You can call me a big gay or whatever you want but I fucking loved this movie.  And the twist was not life altering, but I did not see it coming.  Just all around, probably the best movie I have seen in two years, save for the Dark Knight.  Go rent this today.  Plus, Baby Goose AND Emma Stone.

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~ by maxaverage on November 22, 2011.

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