Freaks and Tieks

WRITTEN BY REBEKKA

Photo credit: tieks.com

I admit it, I fell hard for these Tieks ballet flats the moment I saw them. Like I fell for the senior who lived across the street the summer before I started high school. It was lust at first sight. He had a 5 o’clock shadow around the clock, drove a jeep (often shirtless) and wore cowboy boots with his tux to junior prom. Never mind that I tutored him in math the following semester. He was dead sexy, and so are these shoes. Sleek, classy, they are made to hug the curves of your feet with supple leather that promises never to crack — even when you fold them in half and put them in your party purse. Without the 4-inch stiletto heel you’d expect from a shoe marketed with shots of models in lingerie, they buck the unpractical, male-defined role of sexy. And yet you still want them. They are the myth of the hot bisexual woman in the form of footwear.

I know what you’re thinking. Carrying around an extra pair of shoes in your purse is something a Vegas hooker would do. Not the kind you find at the center bar at the Bellagio. (Guys: They’re all hookers. Every single one has Very Bad Things written all over her. And you pretty much can’t afford to light her cigarette.)  I’m referring instead to the streetwalker type who would shove them into her fake Fendi next to the other just-in-case stuff like deodorant and stolen room service cutlery. The kind who says goodbye but took a key and moved back into your room after you left for the airport and stayed for two weeks or however long it took for your next Visa statement to arrive.

And it would all make sense because at $200 a pair, the average demographic for these shoes either has a trust fund or is hooking.

Photo credit: tieks.com

As a sidenote, I’d be curious to know what act nets a coupla hundo for a working girl these days. I bet it involves something fetishy or another woman. Maybe I could ask my friend Shane who once accidentally paid a prostitute six bucks to eat a protein bar. True story. He was also impersonating a police officer. Who, incidentally, would probably love a pair of comfortable shoes like these while walking her beat. The trademark turquoise soles would really complement the navy blue in her uniform.

Or, I could chat up that super sweet girl at the Bellagio who is “just waiting for her friends to show up.” A few lemon drop shots and I bet she’d spill it.

But I digress. Here’s your official review of Tieks ballet flats from someone who never wore them. Like my remedial-math Matthew McConaughey, they’re oh-so-pretty. And like that Vegas hooker they’d probably make you feel pretty good. But when it comes right down to it, they are a pretty foolish purchase. Get yourself a pair of 4-inch stilettos and a pair of Crocs and wear them each for the appropriate occasions. And if necessary, get yourself a bigger purse.

Unless you’re a hot girl who is into chicks too. Or you have a trust fund.

~ by rrohrback on December 6, 2011.