Not New Movie Review

WRITTEN BY MAX

I'll take ten.

I watched some movies.  Here’s my reviews.

Larry Crowne – This is actually pretty great.  I would watch Tom Hanks give a vasectomy, but even Wilma Valderwhatever is in this and two things I noticed about him, he is fucking jacked and he is way better in real roles than when he was on that show about the 70s.  Speaking of which…

Friends With Benefits – I watched that movie about Ashton Kutcher and Queen Amidalla banging it out and then I watched this the other night.  First thing to note, Mila Kunis is superior to Natalie Portman in every way imaginable.  Secondly, in the battle of who I care less about more, I care about Ashton just a little less than JT, which makes JT the winner.  Plus, this was way more realistic of a movie.  Here’s a hot tip, the director tries to convince you the whole movie that Mila is ca ca ca crazy, but it turns out, it’s JT who is F’ed in the H.  Oh hey, Jenna Elfman.  Didn’t see you there.  Oh hey kid from Modern Family, you are a shitty magician.

Hanna – I might be in the minority, but I thought this was pretty bad ass.  First, it’s about a little girl who kills the shit out of people.  Second, who cares what’s second, because that little girl just killed ANOTHER PERSON.  Plus, Lil Blonde Assassin’s comedy foil actually made me laugh, not because her jokes were actually fun, but because she was honest in her portrayal.  Holy shit she just killed someone else!

Cedar Rapids – Meh.  I know people will hate on me for not caring, especially my boy E-Rizzle, but every movie that is “funny” just doesn’t really bring it the way I want.  This was okay, there were a couple funny parts.  But I don’t remember one joke except that the insurance agency was called Brownstar.  What are we, Limp Bizkit?  You get an F, creative team.  I think the funniest thing was the swearing problem that the “God -fearing” insurance agent had, but even that is so over played these days.  Hell, even the Mila Kunis vehicle above drew attention to some sort of blinking pattern she did when she dropped F bombs.  Will I watch it again?  Of course, if it is 0n.  Would I pick this out of a line up?  Doubt it.

Never Let Me Go – This is the worst movie I have ever seen.  It is so fucking depressing.  Here’s a hot tip.  If you ever wanted to kill yourself but couldn’t work up the courage, just go watch this movie.  You will finish the job.  Holy shit, what a downer.  They didn’t even try to escape!  Go to Mexico, you fucking retards!  Am I honestly supposed to believe that people are cloning other people in Mexico for spare parts?  They didn’t even try to run away!  Dumb ass! Hell, go to any other country.  So dumb.

The Brothers Bloom – It was pretty good. The ending was pretty lame but Rachel Weisz is hot and Mark Ruffalo is a good actor. It’s worth a rent, but not a buy. It made me laugh several times. It was definitely better at the beginning than the end.  At the beginning I was all like, “Yeah, Mark Ruffalo.”  Then at the end I was like, “Yeah, I found some popcorn in the seat cushion.”

How Do You Know – Paul Rudd is amazing but this movie was kind of dumb.  In the words of Moe the Bartender, “Eh, it’s worth a Pabst.”

Beastly – Sure I watched this.  It was completely okay.  Not my favorite, not my least favorite.  If you have to watch a chick flick with your broad, you could do much worse than this movie.  Plus, short as shit, I still had time to watch the movie below before I went to bed. Plus, NPH for the blind win.  Because he’s blind.

Drive Angry – I give this movie 8 thumbs up.  Nic Cage is at his finest, and if you question the validity of this claim, I submit the following:

Nic Cage puts moves on stripper/waitress.  Stripper waitress gets naked and they start to bang.  Stripper, whose name is Candy, says, “Aren’t you going to get naked?”

Nic Cage says, and I quote, “I never disrobe before a gunfight.”

Then, he kills like thirty people while he nails her.  Nic Cage, everybody.  The Mayor of Bangtown.

Final Analysis:  Most of these movies were actually pretty tolerable.  For sure see Drive Angry, Friends With Benefits, and Hanna.  But seriously, don’t ever fucking watch Never Let Me Go.  It’s a night ruiner.  Like, go volunteer in the cancer ward for two hours, it’s about 150% more uplifting than this piece of shit.

 

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~ by maxaverage on December 20, 2011.

One Response to “Not New Movie Review”

  1. […] from The Walking Dead, that poor man’s Eddie Furlong.  This was almost as bad as that awful Never Let Me Go, and I basically wished I had never lived after that one.  So if you ever needed that one extra […]

    Like

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