Not New Movie Review

WRITTEN BY MAX

It's about to get Wilde

After Christmas, things got real lame on TV, so we watched a ton of movies that aren’t in the theater.  Here’s what I thought about them.

The Change Up – Well I enjoyed the shit out this movie because it’s incredibly crass, has Ryan Reynolds, has Jason Bateman who I usually hate pretending to be Ryan Reynolds, and it has the hottest chick in Hollywood showing her ass and being sexy (see banner pic).  Was it good? I don’t know.  Think along the line of Freaky Friday if instead of changing places with your mom you changed places with your druggy cocksman friend/neutered married pussy friend and a few chuckles ensued.  Plus, Leslie Mann’s tits.

Cowboys & Aliens – Little did I know when I rented this it was the second Olivia Wilde movie we would watch in one day.  Score one for the good guys.  The movie was average at best.  I was entertained, but there are some plot holes, and they definitely tried too hard on some scenes, like the upside down boat, which they freely admitted they thought would be cool in the extras, but that doesn’t explain HOW IN THE FUCK AN UPSIDE DOWN STEAMBOAT got out in the middle of the desert.  Oh, there’s Olivia Wilde looking hot again…what were we talking about?  Oh yeah, the part where I watched the making of on the extras.  I’ve never seen so many people suck their own dicks over something that doesn’t matter.  And here’s why I picked the wrong line of work.  They paid millions of fucking dollars to have the aliens look cool and have holes in their legs and look like a turtle.  Then, in the movie, you can’t fucking tell.  The lighting is so piss poor sometimes and the alien(s) move(s) too fast.  Favreau and Pals were carrying on and on about how this alien is so much different and its way better, and the only time you see it close up, it looks like every otherworldly son of a bitch from every other shitty movie I have ever seen.  In summation, fuck you Hollywood.  I can talk about things that make aliens look cool, too.  Pay me.

One Day – SPOILER ALERT!!!! – I watched Anne Hathaway and Jim Sturgess meet-cute for about and hour and then Anne Hathaway got hit by a fucking bus!  I read the back of this and it said it was a comedy.  I think it was supposed to be a slice of life showing one day each year when these two were either beating their guts out or beating someone else’s guts out (having sex), or working at a shitty Mexican joint in London (is that a thing?), or doing blow by the ounce.  And what is with the Really Awkward Guy that climbs up in Hathaway for half the movie?  In real life, that guy couldn’t lay a hot piece like Hathaway if you kill Hathaway and duck-taped her to his dick.  Also, they did a shitty job of leading up to the bus hit.  *I* saw it coming from a mile away.  It’s a wonder Annie didn’t.

Red – Old people used to kill people and now young people are trying to kill said old people.  Oh look at Helen Mirren, swinging her titties like a 20s show girl.  There’s John Malkovich, acting loony, just like an old person would.  I see you, Brian Cox, you old bastard!  Nice accent!  Hey, Morgan Freeman!  You aren’t dead yet?  You are about to be!  Bruce Willis, glad to see you are still mailing it in.  Was Mary Louise Parker the only person who came off as somewhat believable?  Yes.  Yes she was.  Nonetheless, it was pretty okay.  Movies like this should be less than an hour and a half long.  That way they don’t waste a lot of time, and raise their rewatchability factor.  I’ll allow you to watch it.

Love And Other Drugs – Anne Hathaway loves casual sex with Sad Turtle’s brother in this sort of funny, sort of depressing titty flick.  My favorite part of this whole movie, aside from seeing Anne Hathaway’s unabashed tits, is the homeless guy who gets his shit together because Gyllenhaal throws his competitor’s Prozac in the dumpster.  Matter of fact, ‘Homeless guy makes good with help of dumpster meds’ might be one of my favorite movie subplots of all time, and definitely my favorite fake headline of 2012.

The Kids Are Alright – This movie won a lot of awards, so we gave it a try.  Let me summarize the movie as briefly as possible.  Two old lesbians adopted kids and then the kids met their sperm donor and then the ginger lesbian real-fucks him and then the kid goes to college.  That’s about all you need to know.  Oh, and apparently lesbians watch gay porn with two dudes in it?  Is that a thing now, too?  I usually like Mark Ruffalo, and he did okay as an actor, but this movie was pretty anticlimactic.  It was the like blue balls.  It sat there and rubbed on your shit for a couple hours while you bought it drinks and then it just sort of looked at you funny and walked out the door; maybe went home and shacked up with an old booty call or nose dived into some ramen and box wine while you ache the night away.  I highly recommend watching this movie if you love vague endings, old lesbians, or naked gingers.  And yes, I’m sure the point was that in real life things don’t always get resolved, but this isn’t real life.  This is Red Moore switch hitting and getting caught.  Resolve it!

Life As We Know It – Duhamel strikes up a reluctant relationship with Heigl.  I imagine that’s how all of her relationships are – reluctant.  I can’t stand her, I think she is a big, fake bitch.  I’m sure she is nice and gives money to the Pet Brigade or the Kid Brigade or the Cancer Brigade, but I liked her the most I have ever liked her when she came down the stairs with baby shit on her face, because I felt like that was the first time she was ever a real person.  Sorry, Kate.  You just don’t do it for me.

FINAL ANALYSIS:  All of these movies were sort of passable.  I mean, 50/50 if you want to watch them or not.  High marks go to Cowboys & Aliens, Red, Love And Other Drugs and The Change Up.  Do yourself a favor and never watch One Day.

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~ by maxaverage on January 5, 2012.

3 Responses to “Not New Movie Review”

  1. I need you to see Attack the Block and give a review if you haven’t already.

    Like

  2. I haven’t seen it yet. I want to see it. Maybe I’ll do Paul the same time.

    Like

  3. I’m adoring the library rental system, I think I brought home Tucker and Dale vs. Evil and Hanna, kept missing hanna at red box when it first came out and almost missed it there too.

    Like

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