HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT: 5 (relatively) EASY STEPS

WRITTEN BY MAX

Hey fatty, have some more popcorn, or better yet, take a bite out of the cheeseburger moon!

In my prime, if I ever had such a thing, I weighed about 185.  This was when I was playing soccer and running about seven or ten miles per day.  I ate like a horse.  But I was doing insane amounts of exercise so it didn’t matter.  Then, when I stopped playing soccer, I kept eating, and achieved the glorious weight of about 230.  For my height and weight, I am obese.  Now, I don’t look completely hideous.  I have a little bit of a bay window that I carved with a knife and spoon.  I’m sure I’m a bit jowly.

I updated my life insurance last week, and that is always a great joy, pissing in a cup.  It’s so weird and warm in your hand through the plastic.  Even if I don’t spill a drop, I feel like I need to power wash my hands.  After getting back my health report, I can proudly announce that I do not have AIDS.  I do however, have a little bit higher than normal cholesterol.

Now it is decision time.  I need to cut out all my favorite foods, like bacon, bacon infused bacon, and bacon sundaes.  I also need to replace my favorite day of the week, Bacon Sunday.  For about the last month I have been eating a shit load of lettuce, limiting fast food, and trying desperately to limit my Dr. Pepper intake.  I love Dr. Pepper more than I like most people in the world.

I intend to start doing a fair amount of exercise.  As of yet, I have wasted all the mild Midwest winter days we have had, but I freely admit that, and intend to get started on some manner of exercise sometime soon.

So, how does this equate to five easy steps to lose weight?  Well, as a moderate fatty with even more opinions than pounds, I know why I haven’t lost weight, and I’m pretty sure it is the same reason almost everyone has problems losing weight.

Step 1:  Stop eating shit food.  Don’t go to McDonald’s.  Don’t go to Burger King.  Don’t go to Olive Garden.  Don’t go to any place that sells shit food.  Throw away your potato chips.  Throw away your candy bars.  Get rid of all the ice cream.  Don’t buy cheese dip.  Don’t use cream cheese. But vegetables, fruit and fruit and vegetables.  And don’t eat shit food.

Step 2: Stop drinking pop.  Drink at least 1 gallon of water per day.  I don’t drink any pop at home.  When I get home at night I usually drink about five or six 36 ounce glasses of water between 5 PM and Midnight.  My biggest problem is that I drank about that much pop between 9 and 5.  So now that I am cutting that out and replacing it all with water, I should lose about 500 pounds.  That’s great, except I still have to have one 12 ounce glass in the afternoon.  But it’s my life, and I’m comfortable with that decision.  If I don’t lose weight, I know why.  Also, don’t think that because you drink diet pop that you are doing yourself a favor.  If you are serious about dieting, drink water.  Diet pop tastes like hot garbage anyway.  If you can’t have real pop, why bother?

Step 3. Do literally anything at all.  If you are trying to lose weight, then get off your fat ass and do work, son.  If you can’t walk outside, walk up your stairs ten times.  If you can’t ride a bike, stand in your living room and do squats and pushups.  If you are working out three days a week and not losing weight, then you need to work out four days a week.  Maybe, if you are really fat and don’t change your diet, you need to work out seven days or more.  If you are so fat you can’t exercise, or you have a medical problem that prevents you from doing anything, you should see a doctor or a specialist and figure out a plan to lose weight.  Right now, go look at Step 4, then come back here.  If you are being honest with yourself, and really trying all of the stuff above, and dedicating six months to a year of hard decisions and tough choices, then maybe you should look at surgery.  To me, surgery seems like a cop-out, but I think in some cases it has helped people, so I don’t want to totally discredit it.  I do think people should try everything else first, though.

Step 4:  Be honest with yourself.  If you tell people you are trying to diet, and make bold proclamations about all the changes you are going to make, and then you gorge yourself on shit food when no one is looking, or half ass your work outs and skip a week here or there, you aren’t being honest with yourself and you deserve to be fat.   I am aware of a percentage of people who are addicted to food.  These people should seek out a support group.  I think one of them is called Overeaters Anonymous.  I’m sure there are others.  This leads to Step 5.

Step 5: Find support, and take solace in the comments people will make as you lose weight.  No one has ever said to someone, “Hey thinny, way to lose weight, but you looked better when you couldn’t see your pecker!”  No one ever said, “Man, your ass is great in those pants Janey Workout, but don’t you think you looked better with several chins?”  So when people make the comment, “Have you lost weight?” you can say, “Why yes, yes I have.  And I did it through hard work and dieting.”  Be proud of your success, and don’t let a slow start or one set back ruin it for you.  You are making a commitment for the rest of your life.  It will get easier if you form good habits, and have friends and family you can lean on in tough times.

Please understand, I’m not trying to making light of people who have a weight problem.  But I don’t feel sorry for people who half-ass weight loss and quit on their diets and then bitch about being fat.  Maybe I’m the anomaly, but even though I’m a piece of shit right now, I know I can lose weight.  Up until now, I’ve just been too lazy and I haven’t cared enough because it’s how I’m built and when I want to make a change, I will.  Same with anyone else who needs to lose weight.  Good luck to everyone trying this year.  Remember, there are hundreds of support outlets and resources at your disposal.  Use them.

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~ by maxaverage on January 30, 2012.

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