Not New Movie Review

WRITTEN BY MAX

I want to wear this jacket.

Drive – This movie was uber-hyped, but by people I usually trust.  I did not get to see it in the theater, so I waited until this week when it came out to finally watch it.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I thought with all the build it would be a let down, and I had really high expectations going into this.  Luckily, hitting people with a hammer and face stomps really get me excited, so basically, all you need to know is that Baby Goose is a BMF, and I want that jacket.  I’m prepared to curb stomp him for it.

Without Women – Here are the stars in this movie:  Eva Longoria, Christian Slater, That Guy From The Office and Who Played Ramon and is Always The Same Character.  This movie was really, really bad.  All the men get taken away from a third world village, a village riddled with lazy, bitchy milfs.  Then, when they are all gone, Eva eventually takes control and some of the village broads start to bang the priest and some of the village broads turn to lesbianism.  Then Christian Slater comes to town. Oh boy, he smeels like a main*.  Almost all of the frustrated milfs make a play for him.  But instead, he just goes away.  Now some of the men come back.  Hard dicks for everyone some!  The end.  All that time, and Christian Slater doesn’t even try to break into an English castle or hide a dead hooker.  What a waste.

Our Idiot Brother – Lovable Paul Rudd stars in this movie about selling weed to cops and lesbian Zooey Deschanel.  That’s about it.  Worth a watch to see Paul Rudd break the fourth wall during the ending credits.

Your Highness – This was the big winner of this installment.  I will buy this movie.  I laughed harder at this than at any movie since Anchorman.  I think I figured out why.  All of these comedies coming out, a lot of them seem to be real improv driven.  Improv is great.  I used to do it for speech contests in high school.  But the problem is the same problem me and my boy Eric have when we crack wise.  We will be making jokes on top of jokes on top of jokes, and it’s some of the funniest shit ever.  Then we are all like, “Man, we should turn on the camera, get this shit on film.”  And then we do and it just isn’t the same.  It’s just forced, and while it’s okay, it doesn’t have the honesty or the outright humor of the uncaptured stuff.  But this movie…this movie seemed like some writing actually went into it, and the lines were rehearsed to the point that they didn’t feel rehearsed.  And even if it was off the cuff, Danny McBride and James Franco seem as though they are having great fun blending crude shtick and Renaissance fantasy, the result being quite enjoyable for the audience (me).  Of course, my girlfriend hated it.

Midnight In Paris – I’m a sucker for a good time travel flick unless it’s about a husband who dies like that show about the wife of the guy who time travels and then dies.  But he doesn’t really die cause he could always show up, and anyway, wouldn’t you come back ten years later if you were married to Rachel McAdam’s ass?  And speak of the Devil, she’s a bitch in this movie.  I know Owen Wilson is kind of a schlep in this, with his always carrying on and being a hopeless romantic, and basically being annoying yet still lovable.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, fuck you Woody Allen for pointing out my flaws to me. Plus, Marion Cotillard, who I actually respect as a great actress.

Super 8 – Steven Spielberg rides a high horse, and he will subtly tell you that he is better than you through the message of kids in his movies.  “Drugs are bad.  Don’t ever do drugs.”  “Watch out for that train.”  “Stay off my porch.” “Where’s my dog?”  That’s Old Spiely for you.  Anyway, go watch this movie because it’s better than half the movies I’ve reviewed already.  Thanks a lot, Hollywood.  I should have been beating up cancer or cold cocking poverty.  Instead I just kept putting on weight while shilling out clams for Farm Girl In New York**.  Well, sorry broke ass cancer patient.  Maybe you shouldn’t do drugs and steal dogs.

Black Swan – What a dumb, dumb movie.  That prude Natalie Portman, who’s been teasing us since she was 13, pretends to be a sexually repressed ballerina.  Meanwhile, Mila Kunis pretends to be a slutty, bi-sexual, chain smoking temptress who likes to roll her balls off and pick up randoms at the dance club.  Some other lady pretends to be Natalie Portman’s weird mommy and this other dude epitomizes every cliche I’ve ever imagined a limp wristed, middle aged ballet director to epitomize.  There were two good parts.  One time Natalie Portman pretended that Mila Kunis was going down on her, and one time Natalie Portman started beating off in her little bed and her mom was still in her room and then she noticed her mom and I lol’ed.  Basically, she’s dreaming that she is turning into a swan.  One time I dreamed I was turning into a swan, and guess what?  I laid an egg, too.

Captain America – I had to spend like the first fifteen minutes watching Chris Evans’ anorexic head on a little puny body.  Then he got all jacked on some medicine stuff and then Mr. Smith showed up and I think he was either trying to send Neo a message or blow up England.  Either way, he kidnapped a bunch of friendlies and stole some shit that belonged to Thor.  But he wasn’t in Mordor, he was just in shitty old Germany, so Captain America simply walked in and saved the day.  A, FY!  Meanwhile, C.A. is out meeting cute with a pretty, smoking hot British girl and I thought they were going make little Private and Major Americas, but instead he crashed his plane into Hoth and then when they find him nowadays, I’m pretty sure that chick is either so dead, or Captain America has some sort of weird fetish, if in fact he is still going to be the Mayor of Bangtown in this new Avengers movie.

END RESULT – Despite my feeble humor, see all of these except Without Women.  That movie seriously sucked.  See the stars below for the footnotes.

*-

** – Refer to this early gem

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~ by maxaverage on February 6, 2012.

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