A Few Brief Thoughts About Ellen DeGeneres


Ellen just gave away a house. What did you give away today?

Roughly two weeks ago JC Penny department stores had an anti-gay group called One Million Moms make a big stink about having Ellen DeGeneres as their spokeswoman.  The group was insulted that Penny’s would hire a gay to pitch their shirts and slacks.  They were very adamant that the store immediately switch spokespersons to someone not gay, but in a ballsy move by today’s corporate standards, JC Penny told One Millions Moms(¹) to politely sit and spin.

I’m a lot like most red-blooded objectifying males.  I think gay sex is gross unless it’s between two Olivia Wildes.  But who am I to question whether two people love each other?  Being gay doesn’t mean I won’t do business with someone.  It doesn’t mean I won’t associate with them.  It doesn’t mean I won’t be friends with someone.  It doesn’t mean I think promiscuous sex is any better or worse just because of orientation.  I’m pretty sure I had a gay roommate in college, and you know what he did to me?  He was a great friend.  I have gay cousins.  But I don’t refer to them as Cousin Gay.  They are just Cousin.  There was even one time I thought I was gay.  It turned out I was just in Nebraska(²), but you get the point.  I don’t care one way or the other.  I don’t partake or outright support homosexuality, but I certainly am not going to hate on anyone for being gay.  The only thing I hate on people for is if they are assholes or Yankee fans, and let me tell you something, One Million Moms should change there name to One Million Assholes.

I get sick of people wasting energy and money on things that don’t matter.  OMM is so against Ellen.  So they take all their hate and agenda and force it down our throats.  I don’t see Ellen forcing her gayness down our throats.  I know she puts it out there, but more in a “this is who I am” way.  She isn’t trying to convert young ladies to become lesbians.  In fact, she is in a committed relationship.  In all the times I have watched her show, I’ve never witnessed her discussing homosexuality other than when showing support for someone, or when playfully flirting with a sexy female guest, like Olivia Wilde.

I have seen her give everyone in the audience awesome prizes.  I’ve seen her give people who are in need cars, vacations and more.  I have watched her give schools thousands of dollars.  Today, she gave a woman a house!  This was after she gave her a car and a trip to Disney World!  Sure, she has sponsors, but she has used her position as a talk show host to aid others, not to find out who the father is.

By all accounts, Ellen DeGeneres is a great human being, one who is perpetually kind and who perpetuates good will to her fellow man.  If more people would display a little bit of her generosity and make an effort to display that same good will toward others, this world would be a lot better place.

So fuck you, One Million Assholes.  What have you done lately other than get together and bitch about gays? Ellen just gave a needy family a house.  Scissoring Portia is a small part of who Ellen is, and for you to completely overlook the fact that she does amazing things for people and focus on one thing you disagree about makes you appear foolish.  No one is putting a gun to your head to support homosexuality.  They just want you to buy shirts from the funny woman(³).  I’m a rock star at finding faults in everyone, because I too am an asshole, so trot your fat asses up to my house and I’ll point out a sin or a slight that each of you commits everyday.  If they weigh the sums and debts of everyone’s actions at the Pearly Gates, I’d like to think that being a positive philanthropist and a generous soul who cares about those in need would outweigh marrying a woman.  I’d also like to think that being an asshole and a bigot would punch you a one way ticket south.

I think it is time we stop judging people on personal choices that don’t affect us personally, and start judging people on how they contribute to society.  Ellen gets an A in my book.

One final piece of advice for the One Million Moms out there who are offended by what is on television:  STOP WATCHING TELEVISION.  Pull out a damned book.  Go for a walk with your kids.  Go volunteer somewhere.  Your whole agenda is based on something that is an elective.  No one is forcing you to shop at their stores, or watch their programing, or eat at their restaurants.  Quietly boycott what you don’t agree with, and spend your time and money on positively changing your communities instead of running down people who do good things. Hell, buy a DVR and skip the commercials. I just solved all your problems, and freed up a lot of time for you to start doing something worthwhile.

(¹) Seriously, if you think it is ridiculous what One Million Moms is doing, you should go look at their website.  http://www.onemillionmoms.com/issues.asp

It’s like a cult.

(²) If you don’t get that reference, go watch Unforgiven, Clint Eastwood’s Sistine Chapel.

(³) Personally, the reason I plan to give more business to Penny’s is because they quit doing their circular ad in the newspapers.  That will save the company thousands of dollars that they can either pass on as savings to their customers or pocket as profit.  What an excellent business decision.  I’ve been saying the same thing about Kohls for years.  It pleases me to no end that someone finally realized how dumb it is to have a sale every day.  I hope Ron Johnson, CEO, wins many awards for his bold (read: common sense) decisions.

~ by maxaverage on February 21, 2012.

3 Responses to “A Few Brief Thoughts About Ellen DeGeneres”

  1. For the record, I wasn’t the gay roommate in college.


  2. Peter North should force things down OMM’s throats. That thing.


  3. Peter North’s favorite thing to do is ‘head South’.


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