Not New Movie Review

WRITTEN BY MAX

I really wanted to post a nude picture of Amber Heard here, but Ribisi was so awesome as Moberg I had to roll with him.

The Ides Of March – I enjoyed the piss out of this movie.  Between Drive and Ides..., I don’t know how anyone can argue against Baby Goose being one of the best actors in Hollywood.  This movie is so condensed, as far as the time span in movie, that I can’t really give you my thoughts on plot without giving it away.  Just go rent the son of a bitch.  I would like to note here the upon proofing this, I noticed I had originally type ‘Just go rent the song of a bitch’, and I realized I would really, really love to see the movie called Song of the Bitch.  Someone make this.

Hugo – I don’t know how it always happens, but I tend to accidentally watch movies with the same leads at the same time.  This one has Hit Girl in it.  Sasha Bruno G plays a crippled war vet smitten on the flower lady and hatin’ on orphans.  Patrick Stewart’s brother, Ben Kingsley, plays a crotchety old man.  I assume it’s a boy plays Hugo, and then a bunch of stuff happened, I wasn’t really paying attention, I was cleaning out my e-mail inbox.  I never organized my e-mail before and as a result, I had almost 47,000 e-mails in my inbox.  27,000 were from a list between about five of my friends that we go back and forth with.  I had almost 4000 unread e-mails, mostly from junk, but a few that I was like, well, probably shouldn’t have missed those.  I imagine after reading the last few sentences that you feel about my e-mail much the same that I felt about Hugo.  I didn’t even know it was named after the boy until the end.  I’m pleased they worked on it, but I really didn’t give a shit.

Kick Ass – A kid decided to become a super hero, but even he knows he isn’t super.  He just likes to get beat up.  He plays fake gay with a smoke dog just to be friends with her, and does things like get almost naked and rub self tanner on her.  She was no Olivia Wilde, but she was pretty hot.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, I remember when I was in high school, and let’s just say that if I was in a bedroom with a girl that was, oh, I don’t know, alive, and she took off her bra and expected me to rub tanning lotion on her while we were only wearing our underwear, I don’t care how gay I was pretending to be, it would be painfully obvious that I was straight.  She would have to be blind and maybe deaf not to notice how not-gay I was.  Surprisingly, this was the part I found must unbelievable in this movie.  The second thing I found unbelievable is that he actually ends up coming clean to her that he is straight, and they go for a trip to Bangtown.  Plus, Nic Cage shoots a little girl in the chest three times at close range.  Basically, this is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time.

Amber Heard

The Rum Diary– I enjoy very nearly everything Hunter S. Thompson has ever done, even if I find it a bit tedious sometimes.  So when I heard another work was going to be turned into a movie, I was pretty pumped.  So we watched it, and I was actually disappointed at how slowly it moves at times.  This all changed, however, the first time Moberg comes onto the screen.  I would watch a movie that was 100% Moberg every day if I could.

The way Giovanni Ribisi chews scenery as the completely out of his fucking mind Moberg is nothing short of awesome, in the sense that I was in awe at how well he became Moberg.  Moberg reminds me of a cross between the bad guy in the first Men In Black (“Give me sugar!”) and Pig Pen on Charlie Brown.  Two things about this movie.  1. Amber Heard is one of the subtly sexiest women in Hollywood, and 2. this is a completely different type of movie than Fear and Loathing, so if you have either great taste or a bad taste in your mouth from that one, give this one a chance.  It’s a little slow at times, but well done.  Plus, Aaron Eckart’s chin.

The Conspirator – Fans of Gilmore Girls rejoice!  Alexis Bledel has a tiny, insignificant part, and is the only bright spot in this suicide machine.  If your son or daughter ever gives you the impression they are plotting something like overthrowing the powers that be, you should probably document very well your non-roll in their schemes or you will swing in the barn with the guy from The Walking Dead, that poor man’s Eddie Furlong.  This was almost as bad as that awful Never Let Me Go, and I basically wished I had never lived after that one.  So if you ever needed that one extra push to kill yourself, go watch these two back-to-back.  Ugh.

Dolphin Tale – I got stuck watching this with my niece and nephew.  WOW!  Little kids love dolphins.  WOW!  Women who watch Ellen love Harry Connick, Jr. WOW!  Is there nothing Morgan Freeman can’t fix?  Did you know that three or four male dolphins will corner a female and rape the shit out of her for a couple days?  I’m pretty sure Mel Gibson warned that dolphin broad to stay away, but like the goddamned bus driver, she just…wouldn’t…listen.

NEW THIS INSTALLMENT:  REEL OLD

— I thought it would be cool from now on when I write these incoherent movie reviews to go back in time and remember a classic movie we have all forgotten about.  We’ll call it Reel Old. —

REEL OLD:  Stargate – I watched this last week and I was really surprised at how well it has held up.  The special effects for this movie were pretty believable.  Directed by noted Disaster Pornographer Roland Emmerich, Stargate features Kurt Russell, one of America’s greatest actors.  I love Kurt Russell, because I imagine in real life he is exactly like his character in Big Trouble In Little China, Jack Burton.  Knowing that Jack Burton is out there on a dark and stormy night helps me sleep a little easier.  Anyway, Stargate has a less-weird-than-normal James Spader pretending to be a really smart symbologist or something.  He can figure out what little drawings mean way faster than the guy who was on Spin City.  So they do that, and then they make a worm hole to some desert planet and only Dr. James Spader can speak the language.  Well then Kurt Russell says “I’m gonna burn this mother down” and he tries, but the space-aged youth inhabited by a crazy alien says, “Nope, not on my watch.”  Then a funny thing happens: then Kurt Russell blows up this youth’s pyramid ship.  It was funny because it made me laugh. This is also the part where they ripped off Return of the Jedi and Space Balls.  See, they use force lightning that can be conjured when wearing a ring.  Also, this alien trapped in a youth’s body bears a striking resemblance to Gozer the Gozerian.  Now stereotypical natives are loving all the toys that Kurt Russell brings, like cigarettes and guns.  I think Nic Cage shot Kurt Russell’s kid, too, but I’m not sure.  Oh, and James Spader somehow has the hot princess of the indigenous people thrown in his lap, so to speak.  At first he he’s like, “Ew, girls,” but later on he gets up in those guts.  Now they are married I guess, and really what I took away from this part of the movie is that if your a free-wheelin’, good time havin’ chap and you somehow find yourself on a distant planet because James Spader was able to decode some glyphs, whatever you do, don’t fuck one of the natives because that might mean you are married or something worse, and you might find yourself at the wrong end of a horny pack of dolphins or, you know, married, and we don’t want that now, do we?

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~ by maxaverage on March 6, 2012.

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