New Segment: (XXX)?

WRITTEN BY MAX AND REBEKKA

How people think and feel.

Going forward, Max and Rebekka will occasionally break down a topic about relationships and the difference between the male and female mind and heart.  This is the first installment of (XXX)? (Get it.  It’s our stupid way of saying XX/XY.  Yeah, that’s stupid, but I am going to roll with it.)

Today Max and Rebekka discuss ranking the opposite sex, and the methods used in choosing an acceptable mate.

MAX Hey Rebekka, what are your thoughts on guys/girls ranking girls/guys? Like, from the standpoint, you are out with friends, you see a pretty broad roll up, and you are like, ‘Yeah, she’s a 7’, or ‘9.5’.  I personally don’t feel there is such a thing as a perfect ten.  I don’t even think there are many 9’s, if you go with that scale.  I had a couple friends in college who felt it was better to hook up with five twos rather than trying for one ten.  The whole ‘lower your standards up your average’ theory.  But then a friend of mine totally destroyed this theory and introduced me to the Binary Scale.  That means every girl is a 1 or a 0.  Either you would or you won’t. Thoughts?  Do sheilas do this sort of thing, or is it mostly just a guy trait?
REBEKKA – So you say women should not be judged on a scale of 1 to 10, but instead a binary scale. 1 or a 0. Either you would or you wouldn’t.
Well, leave it to the male brain to come up with something so simple and straightforward. Alas, this scale would never do for evaluating your species, er, gender, from a female perspective.
On second thought, we could use a binary system too, but it probably would not work in your favor. Allow me to explain:
Whether or not we will take our pants off for you is determined by approximately one hundred thousand categories on which we are evaluating you, assessed and scored individually. You have to hit our magic number. For example, Joe Mechanic might get a 9 for Sex Appeal, 5 for Pre-emergent Signs of Male Pattern Baldness, 7 for Brains, 2 for Education, 1 for Parental Approval of Career, and 0 for how much she doesn’t want to do your Greasy Laundry if you end up walking down the aisle one day. If her magic number is 25 poor Joe is paying for dinner and going home with parting gifts. Like a hug and a Facebook friend. Not a hand job.If we gave you a binary grade on each category, you’d probably lose even more often, because in girl math, 7 would round up to 1, and 6 and below would round down to zero. Remember that line in As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson is asked how he writes women so well? He says, I think of a man, then I take away reason and accountability.  What can I, your humble advice columnist do but shrug my feminine shoulders, turn my dainty hands palm up, tilt my head of shiny long hair to the side, part my lips in a hint of a smile and raise my lovely eyebrows sweetly? Lawyered. (In case you are wondering, if you are an actual trial lawyer, you get 9 points for Impressive Career. Which of course drops to 6 if you are a tax lawyer. But either way you only get 2 points for Quality Time You Spend With the Kids.)Now that you’re in on our system, doesn’t it make sense why we have the three date rule? We’re not complying to some Victorian era ideal of propriety. We’re busy scoring and summing categories and often creating new ones after everything you say and do. Seriously. It takes time.

Our detailed scoring system also explains why every now and then, a Friend-zoned guy gets promoted. Some other new category appears like magic, such as How He Acted When My Cat Died, and boom – you’re gettin’ busy. (Note: if you are caught poisoning my cat, you will never, ever, ever see what’s underneath my panties. And you’ll probably do some time in county jail.)

Now, out of the goodness of my heart, here are some of the categories you’re being judged on. Some might be obvious; others might come as a surprise.
Your looks*Here is where your scoring system and ours diverge.*Your job
Your degree
Your sense of humor
Your sense of humor around other people
Your car
Whether there is trash in your car
Whether there is Velcro on your wallet
Talking about video games
Talking about lifting weights
Being nice to my sister
Wearing pants the right length
Speaking a foreign language
Your haircut
Paying too much for your haircut
Being nice to your mom
Being too nice to your mom

The list goes on and on. Please note, any category deemed easily fixable might be temporarily removed from the equation, but only if you’re headed down Relationship Lane and she knows she has time to work on you. A better haircut — but not John Edwards better — could be the difference between going from the bar back to her place immediately and having to swear off other women and onto an engagement ring savings plan before rounding the bases with her.

Now, all you guys out there who aren’t Brad Pitt, throw reason and accountability to the wind, evaluate yourself like a woman would, clean the protein bar wrappers out of your car, never mention the heavy, heavy weights they helped you lift, get yourself a leather bi-fold and prepare to get some action.

MAX– WHOA!  Is every woman that analytical?  Also, let me clarify, I don’t think Binary Code is just based on looks.  I think you take the grand sum of everything and then decide if you can live with it or not.  Don’t you think it would make it way more easy to just say yes or no on most of these?  Is it an innate ability amongst men to be able to sum up everything into one number, or is it just that we are more forgiving?  Or do we not want to invest the time?
So if a man adopts a binary scale and assesses every woman he meets with that system, and meanwhile a girl he likes assesses him and every guy she meets with a formula slightly more complicated than the way I grade restaurant prepared prime rib (seriously, there are like ten levels of restaurant grade prime rib), it’s no wonder that it’s so hard for chicks and dudes to communicate.  That’s like the difference between balancing a check book and mastering Euclid’s geometry.
I think I can convert you, though.  Go back to your list.  At some point on that list, there is a threshold which, once crossed, there is no going back for each and every one of those criteria.  It comes down to managing your thresholds.  They either meet the criteria or they don’t.  And you can’t say, well, maybe I can live with his haircut after a few beers.  You either will live with it or you won’t, beers or drugs or other categories don’t change the end result, because in the end, you either will or you won’t, regardless or in spite of internal or external factors.  When I was still in the dating world, I used much the same analysis, but I had already made up my mind.  Do you really not know your mind before the ‘third date’ as you put it, or are you, as the female species, waiting until the third date to dole out panty-time more out of posterity than out of not knowing how you feel about someone?
Also, panty-time is one of my least favorite terms I have ever used.
REBEKKA– Panty-time is agreeably gross. Also, I think you’d be more interested in unpanty-time.I stand by my system. Sure, some guys like those named Brad Pitt can be judged in Binary Code, we will or we won’t (hint: we will). But the average guy requires a full set of analytics. I concede that you are judging on more than just looks, but I doubt what your parents think of her job factors into whether you’ll sleep with her. We care about four year degrees, you — statistically, not necessarily personally — don’t care if her source of income involves unpanty-time and dollar dollar bills y’all.In mulling this over, it dawned on me that guys have their own version of the 3-date Pause Button. It involves tying the knot. I propose that you go through the same evaluation acrobats when determining whether you’ll walk down the aisle. By the time a girl is sleeping with you, she hasn’t ruled out marriage and in most cases she already believes you’re the one. Why does it takes men so long to reciprocate the nuptial feelings and pop the question? You’ll sleep with us, move in with us, but shrug off the subject of diamonds for months or years. I’m willing to bet you are still doing the math. Am I right or am I right?

And while I’m at it, I want to hear it straight from the Y chromosome’s mouth: if we live with you first, does it really make you less likely to marry us? And does it matter if we can cook? Engagement Chicken

XX/XY
—–
Tune in to the next installment, where Max and Rebekka debate the merits or pitfalls of moving in with your better/lesser half before marriage.
Got an idea for these two to discuss?  Email isnotawasteland@gmail.com with XXXY in the subject heading.  Find us on Facebook (there’s a like box on the left).
 
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~ by maxaverage on March 14, 2012.

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