Whatcha Know About Shaun Bridgmohan?

WRITTEN BY MAX

One of these things is not like the other.

So just a couple things on a muggy spring night.  Junior Seau, he gone.  Every Night Storms reminds me of a tour my band did through Missouri one year where it was tornado warnings for three straight days.  Yet somehow Joplin was spared that year (not from our crappy music, though).  It sucks that Derrick Rose is out.  It’s hilarious that Amare broke his hand and stuff.  It must have been a terrible emergency.  Paul Pierce is awesome.  I still hate the Yankees.

I am also addicted to A Song of Ice and Fire, which is what Game of Thrones hails from.  The life in the books is brutal and unforgiving.  Then, today I read about Kim Kardashian saying she wants to get married to Kanye West.  So I made myself laugh by thinking about what would happen to them if they were living in Westeros.

Kim would probably have a bastard son or daughter by either a king or a stable boy, and she would also probably get raped a lot and no one would ever marry her because she wasn’t a maiden.

Kanye would have his tongue removed, especially if he interrupted a king the way he interrupted Taylor Swift.  Either way, he wouldn’t be long for this world.

By no means and I trying to suggest that someone needs to go rape the shit Kim or cut out Kanye’s tongue.  What I do hope is that deep down they understand how lucky they are that they live in 2012 where it is acceptable and even popular to be a whore or a mouthy braggart instead of 1512 where you are ostracized for this type of behavior.  I remember learning about a time way back before I ate supper tonight when virtues and favorable qualities mattered and turning your husband into a cuckold (see: Chris Humphries) was frowned upon, and dare I say, even discouraged.

I’m not perfect.  Matter of fact, I have a sex tape to make later and an awards show to crash.  Later on I have to parley my dad’s good name into some product sponsorships, piss on a minor, and die in a bathtub full of drugs.  If I was really doing all that stuff I would like to think that even though I know there is no rhyme or reason to why I could get away with it, I would appreciate it and maybe not bite the hand that feeds me.  But I think the collective we is the cuckold when it comes to most of this Hollywood bullshit.  None of it would exist without eyeballs watching screens, me writing dumb blogs, and people buying seats.

Here are ten fake horse names in honor of the Kentucky Derby.  Thanks to other guy who writes for this site Greg for making this fun Excel app.  I hope some day he expounds on his fascination with random.  It’s full of hilarity and awesome.

Flim Flam Womp Rat
Wal-Mart Heihachi
Neato Mosquito Shovel Face
The Feared Lionel
Ask and Ye Shall Pepe
Toucher Ned
Club Car Pick A Peck
Fort Madison Fingerblaster
Old Pud Just Visiting
The Angel of Gravy

Don’t forget to go look at this.

Pony Delk doesn’t give a fuck.

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~ by maxaverage on May 3, 2012.

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