Not New Movie Review

WRITTEN BY MAX

CZJ Got An SJP Tattoo. Looking gooooood, CZJ!

The Rebound – I rented this because I thought it was a documentary about Antonio Davis.  One time when I graduated college and then moved into my friend Greg’s place (you know Greg, he writes on here too) he bought some fish and he bought the gross looking little catfish bastards that eat all the other fishes’ shit.  We got in the habit of calling them Antonio Davis fish, because he cleaned up the trash in the lane, and they cleaned up the trash in the fish tank.  Well I was sorely disappointed with this piece of shit so I just went to work instead.  Spoiler Alert: My girlfriend sorta liked it, but she said this about it: “It was pretty lame how they had them break up and then get back together years later.  At least it was a happy ending, I guess.”  Well put?

I Don’t Know How She Does It – A famous race horse named Barbaro comes up through the ranks to challenge at the Kentucky Derby, only to end in tragedy on the track and they put two to the hea…..oh.  Oh that’s not right.  Let’s start over.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a famous….

Actually, this movie is pretty dumb.  It’s not about horse racing at all.  It’s about a fairly ugly mom and her dip shit kids and her Greg Kinnear and basically she just runs around sending the wrong emails to people and pulling Cheerios out of her purse at important meetings and getting lice and if anyone out there saw this movie and was like, “I can totally relate to her” then here’s a news flash:  You probably shouldn’t have had kids.

The Big Year – A thoughtful, intelligent, meaningful movie about friendship and Brian Denehey.  Excellent performances from Jack Black, Steve Martin and Owen Wilson.  I highly recommend this movie.

Three Muskateers – Orlando Bloom and Poor Man’s Orlando Bloom compare cocks in this buggered-babe-in-the-woods of a movie.  We all got bored watching this movie – Me, my girlfriend, the cat.  Puma the cat kept trying to knock down the ivy plant and I kept spraying her with the water bottle and pretty soon it turned into a game.  She’d try to steal the ivy plant, I’d get pissed and blast her with water and then we would cuddle and then she would try to steal the ivy plant and I’d get pissed and you get the point.  That’s basically the plot of this movie.  Save yourself $2.50 and go for a walk, or go babysit your neighbor’s dumb kids or go cut your finger on the sharp lid of a Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup can.  All of those are better uses of your time.

Tin Tin – This animated film was better and more believable than Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Douche or whatever it was called.

Footloose – The themes of this movie are a perfect parallel to what many moviegoers felt about them remaking this. “Stay out of our town, we don’t want your kind.”

But I have a definite critique of this film.  In the original Footloose, Kevin Bacon gets highly frustrated and goes to the abandoned warehouse to do a little dancing by himself and burn of some of his aggression.  It’s all pretty harmless and then he gets to spend some time with the lead Trick.  In the new one, when the Ren character goes to the warehouse, he starts breaking a bunch of shit and being all destructive.  That is a perfect metaphor for the difference between the last two generations.   It’s not enough to stress dance in 2012.  Now you have to break someone else’s property.  Get stuck, destructive youth.  If you want to break some shit, break your own shit.  I learned that lesson the hard way.

Muppets – I would watch Jason Segal do weird things, but I won’t watch this movie again.  In fact, I really just get bored with the Muppets.  I just don’t care.  This movie was so anti-climactic.  Meh.

Girl with Dragon Tattoo – I’m one of the few mans who read the books.  I enjoyed them.  I watched the Dutch version.  I enjoyed them.  I watched the new American one.  Boooooooooo.  It was really boring.  But, I could watch Daniel Craig smoke cigarettes for about 20 minutes, at least.  That alone is worth a rent.

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~ by maxaverage on May 23, 2012.

One Response to “Not New Movie Review”

  1. I hadn’t heard of The Rebound or I Don’t Know How She Does It previously so thanks for the warning.

    Three Musketeers is already in the blu-ray waiting for me to find time to watch it before it’s due back at the library. Not sure I’ll put forth the effort still.

    Footloose was crap, The Muppets wasn’t as good as I hoped, Girl with he Dragon Tattoo was just too slow to keep me interested.

    Still need to catch Tin-Tin and Big Year.

    Like

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