Um, I was told there would be a magic show?

On the twenty ninth of June, in the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve, I braved the throngs of women flocking to Channing Tatum and Matthew McConaughey’s banner.

First, let’s get the jokes out of the way during the previews.

While waiting in line:  “I’m going to change the name of this movie to “The $9 Nap.”

“I wonder if I can get kicked out of this movie if like during the first strip scene I stand up and just start taking my shit off.”

Driving up to the theater:  “This is like the greatest cougar hunt of all time.  It’s like shooting cougars strapped to the end of your shotgun.”

Walking into the full theater: “Well, it’s plain to see there isn’t a dry seat in the house.”

Waiting in line: “Fuck the PKE readings, these estrogen levels are off the charts.”

Waiting for previews to start: “Clouds of moisture hung over the theater like the Count on Sesame Street.  One, two, three wet panties.  Four, ah ah ah.”

My friend Phil said they will have to wring out the seats and clean the isles with a squeegee.

While waiting for the movie to start: “Too bad this show wasn’t in XD with vibrating seats.”

While walking out to take a piss before the show started, trying to push my way through a sea of thirty, forty and fiftysomethings: “Excuse me, excuse me, I came to the wrong theater.  I thought this was Magic Micheala, excuse me.”

Phil said: “I haven’t seen a woman this wet since Whitney Houston.”

While trying to find a seat:  “Oh, we should sit up front so it looks bigger.”

During the previews they really tried to subliminally encourage the girls to do good things for their men.  The Miracle Whip commercial used the slogan “Keep and open mouth.”  There were two video game commercials.  Magnum ice cream also made an appearance.  Finally, someone combined two of my favorite things – large condoms and individual serving ice cream.

Within the first five minutes of the movie the girls got a shot of Tatum’s bare ass.  I don’t want to give away who it is, but if you are a gentleman, there is a nice surprise for you right off the bat.  There was an even larger amount of cat calls and woot woos when Tatum bared it, at least more than I expected.  The crowd was pretty rowdy for about the first thirty minutes.  I think most of the ladies had somewhat worked themselves up over the anticipation.  The movie did not disappoint them.

The strip club boasts a full house for each show, and each of the six main strippers has their own schtick.  It was great to see Kevin Nash getting some work.  When he was on the screen, I exclusively watched him mail it in.  My favorite Big Daddy Diesel moment was when the whole crew, during a group dance, were doing jumping jacks, but not Kevin Nash.  If he jumps, his knees explode like a money shot all over the amped up ladies in the front row.

Oh, there’s the Latino CSI from CSI: Miami.  I so desperately wish they would have done a pun about CSI.  He could have come out dressed like an investigator.

“I’m here to solve a crime.  – *Takes off sunglasses* – A crime of passion.”

Throughout this, Magic Mike, played wholeheartedly by Tatum, befriends Alex Pettyfer’s character Adam.  As Adam gets sucked into the life of a male dancer, a natural byproduct of Adam and Mike’s relationship is that Mike meets Adam’s sister Brooke (Cody Horn).  Of course they get off on the wrong foot.  Of course she comes off as a bitch.  For the longest time I thought her character was incapable of a smile, as she morose-ed around drawing attention to herself as a joyless bitch.  Eventually she and Adam are invited to a Fourth of July party, and behold, she actually smiles.  Unfortunately, I feel like her and Mike’s relationship suffers through poor pacing.  A side relationship between Olivia Munn’s minor character Joanna and Mike fizzles out but keeps appearing.

The movie jumps with regularity between Mike’s life with pants and Mike’s life without pants.  It’s the disjointed parts where the two lives crisscross that we see some actual acting chops from Tatum.  Unfortunately for viewers, only one other actor sells and that is McConaughey.  His Dallas character is so over-the-top scumbag, yet so believably subtle at times that I honestly think he should be considered for best supporting actor.  He has become one of my favorite performers, and his salesmanship and commitment to even the most absurd roles is what makes him so believably absurd as Dallas.

There are a lot of scenes that I feel got left on the cutting room floor, and the movie suffers from this.  It jumps back and forth sometimes and feels rushed, yet there are parts of the movie where it just seems to drag on.   I actually became very interested in the side plot of Mike building custom furniture.  They let that go off an on, only coming back to it to try to build sympathy for his character who, while highly likable, is not a very sympathetic character.  I mean, how can you feel sorry for a guy driving a brand new pick up, having new threesomes every night and living in a swank Tampa Bay two story apartment on the beach?  Problems aside, Tatum is actually easy to watch as an actor, and your wifey girlfriend type will think he is easy to watch as a dancer.  There are some genuine, funny moments, and some genuinely funny moments.  Honestly, if you can see past some thonged dong and a little man ass, most guys will then be looking into the background and see Kevin Nash’s epic mail-in.  Seriously, dong and man ass aside, the movie is entertaining, but this isn’t the most important part of the review.

I noticed two things.  Awhile back Chris Brown beat the hell out of Rihanna, and on Twitter, shitloads of girls made comments to the effect of “Chris Brown can beat me any time.”  Last night during the movies, I heard a lot of those same comments about the Dallas character.  “Oh, he could be an asshole to me any time.”

That’s pretty similar to when a guy says, “Oh, I’d hot dog that hallway all night long” in regards to someone like Kim Kardashian.

Matter of fact, there wasn’t a lot of difference between the way the women were acting with every Tatum ass shot and dick shake moment and the way guys react at a real strip club.  Women are just like men in most respects, but that being said, I still had a surprise.

Cody Horn, the female lead, is cute enough, but she isn’t your prototype Hollywood beauty.  In fact, you might say she is kind of plain.  She has a small chest, a mostly nonexistent ass, a mostly plain face and she has something going on with her teeth.  But like I said, she’s still mostly good looking.

I didn’t even notice her enough to get the color of her bikini right. I swear, I thought she was wearing like a seaweed color.

During her most revealing scene, she walks along the beach with Tatum while sporting a greenish yellow bikini.  She never does any nudity, but you can see exactly how her body is designed when she is walking along the beach.  My first thought was, hmm, they made a conscious effort to get a mostly plain female lead to keep the focus on Tatum and his crew of cocksmen.  But then I started to hear a lot of comments being made.

“She has little boobs, don’t you think?

“Yeah, her bikini is not flattering.

“She needs to see a dentist about those teeth.

The judging during that scene was off the charts.  Afterwards, when I was driving my girlfriend and her two friends back to their cars, I asked them if they noticed the judging when she was in a bikini and when I told them what I heard, they started judging and critiquing the bikini and her teeth and small boobs!

Forever, Hollywood gets shit about not casting regular women in roles, and the one time I see a regular girl cast in a role where they easily could have gone with Tits McHotass, all the women in the theater can do is bitch about how little her boobs are and how much her bikini sucks.  That has no male equivalent.  “Yeah, that guy’s muscles are too toned for me,” said No Straight Guy Ever.  And I get the feeling that no matter who would have been cast as the female lead, the women in the theater would have been hyper-critical.

I know American women are insecure.  Even secure American women have insecurities.  Maybe it’s just a woman thing, not a country thing.  But Magic Mike isn’t real life.  It’s just a movie, yet every girl I saw discussing and that I asked about it had definite opinions about the outfit and physicality of the female lead.  Even in a pretend thing, women feel a need to judge those they feel are better than they are.

At our core, both men and women have base desires.  Men are definitely more upfront about their wants and desires, but women have the same feelings.  They are just better at hiding the fact.  If the cat calls and woot woos are to be believed, even the most rational woman has a stirring for a hot piece of man ass.  So this should be a lesson to men everywhere.  If you get in good shape, and basically keep your mouth shut but show a little skin, the amount of women you can go to bed with will greatly increase.  We were making cougar jokes all night, but there were a lot of women at the theater looking for a little escape, and if Tatum or McConaughey would have surprised the theater and started stripping it would have created a shit storm of chaos and estrogen I can’t even imagine.

So what do I take away from this?  We have a long way to go before men and women understand each other.  From watching the movie and from discussing the books “50 Shades of Gray” before the show, I get the feeling a lot of women out there are looking for an escape.  Whether that escape is in the form of a male strip club in each city, a little plumber’s ass from an in shape man, some deep dick from some young stud or a right hook from Chris Brown, women be fantasizing.   And that’s great news for men everywhere, because that means you don’t even have to be awesome at stuff.  You just have to try a little.  Just try a little to give your girl some adventure, something a little dangerous or exciting.  If she reacts with half the heart of the way she reacted to Channing Tatum’s ass then you guys might be on to something great.  And ladies, don’t get so upset if a guy notices a good looking girl.  Because you know how you see every good looking guy but never say anything?  Well, guys are the same way.  Like the Miracle Whip commercial, you should keep an open mouth and an open mind.  Communicate your desires with your guy or gal, and who knows, maybe Mike won’t be the only magical thing.

Final verdict for ladies:  Go see it.  It will get the juices flowing.

Final verdict for guys:  You guys wanna get laid?  Go feign interest in this movie, pay close attention to Kevin Nash and enjoy the jokes.  Take your vitamins and go home and role play with your girlfriend.  Send thank you notes directly to our email,  I mean, eh, it’s worth a Pabst.

“Hey Moe, what’ll you give me for an AA chip?” – Barney Gumble
“Uh, Barney, this is a five minute chip. Eh, it’s worth a Pabst.” – Moe Szyslak

~ by maxaverage on June 30, 2012.

2 Responses to “MOVIE REVIEW: Magic Mike”

  1. Nice Max. I am leaving in 15 min to go to the movie 🙂


  2. What did you think of it?


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