Not New Movie Review

WRITTEN BY MAX

Sometimes, it just takes awhile.

Underworld: Awakening – What’s Her Ass from Serendipity is back as a kick as half breed who kills both half breeds and pure breeds and makes it with a different breed.  Or made it.  I guess maybe this is supposed to be a critique of race or something or a pro bestiality film but regardless, if it’s pro animal/human copulation or if it is just a vampire flick doesn’t really matter.  It may as well have been about vacuum cleaners because it fucking sucks.  TOGTFO.

Chronicle – This was a pretty good flick actually.  This is probably what would really happen if people suddenly got super powers.  I was really left wanting more, though.  Within the confines of this film, I understand that not knowing works but I’m a true asshole and I want to know what was going on underground.  Tell me, damn you!  This is for sure worth a watch.

This Means War – Up until this point in the year, it was my favorite movie so far.  It’s charming, funny in the right spots, and manages to make it through without being completely predictable.  If you want to watch a movie with your girl, this one is actually enjoyable.  Although I’m about over Reece Witherspoon.  Tatum, on the other hand is a stud and I’m still trying to figure out how he is in three of my favorite movies of the year.  Mind = Blown.  EDITOR NOTE:  Your editor and writer is a fucking idiot and yes I confused Tom Hardy for Channing Tatum.  So what?  I can’t keep my jacked white guys separate.  I guess I don’t recognize Hardy without his fucking Bane mask. 

John Carter – A lot of people bagged on this movie for some reason.  I found it really enjoyable.  There were a couple of twists that I didn’t see coming (because I’m stupid).  A lot of the criticism I personally heard was that it was not very believable.  You mean the movie about other people living on a different planet and also green alien people isn’t real?  No fucking way!?!  Much like the deja vu in the movie, I feel like I’ve reviewed this already, but either way, go see it.  Some strange pretty chick is in this too.  Anyway, I hope they keep making the sequels.  It’s way better than Last Airbender!

Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows – Well, they picked a perfect guy for Moriarty.  And it’s two and a half hours of watching RDJ act fabulous and beat the shit out of people while he’s whacked out of his mind on opium and absinthe.  Hollywood’s Best Ass (Rachel McAdams) was in it at the beginning and then the Dragon Tattoo Broad (not the crappy American version but the Dutch subtitled version) Noomi Rapace does a good job and sells her gypsy role like a true, well, gypsy.  I recommend this movie if you like heroin, weird psychedelics, Quaaludes, foreign actresses, Robert Downey, Jr. acting like a boss and defenestration.

Wanderlust – This movie was not as funny as I was led to believe.  Paul Rudd was great, but the rest of the show was predictable and stupid and played more like a middle of the road Adam Sandler movie than something I care to watch.  Hey Aniston!  TOGTFO.  And WTF, if Malin Akerman point blank tells you she wants to bone, you shut the fuck up and get busy.  Don’t hem haw.  Don’t try to pysch yourself up.  Just go for it.  Especially if Jennifer Aniston is your wife.  Talk about an upgrade.  And there’s Paul Rudd’s character, just pissing it down the drain.  It made me almost as mad as the ending of Dumb and Dumber, which still makes me physically angry when I think about it.

Jeff Who Lives At Home – I laughed more at this than some of the other movies this summer that were comedies, but it played a little more serious, or at least a little more urgent than the typical thing that makes me laugh.  I’m not saying it was bad.  And I wasn’t duped like with Up In The Air.  But it was more serious in my mind and it left me feeling good, but weird.  Judy Greer, who I imagine would never laugh at my jokes, is fantastic as usually.  Sometimes if you want to laugh at her you need to watch the things she does with her face and body and not by listening to her words.  My girlfriend hated it and that doesn’t surprise me.  It’s not my favorite movie, but there were some parts there were good and it ends as well as it could.  Susan Sarandon turns in a great performance as an aging MILF who just doesn’t want to feel alone.

21 Jump Street – This was hands down the best DVD rental I’ve made this year.  I really, really enjoyed the shit out of this.  Channing Tatum is great.  Jonah Hill brings just enough of his Superbad charm without being quite as crude, and he interjects some nice weirdness.  This is a buy movie.  I could have done without Ice Cube.  Almost every Ice Cube role would be upgraded by 45% if you would substitute the Cube for T.  COPKILLA!

Mirror, Mirror – There is no real evidence that Julia Roberts is a mean old bitch but for some reason I just can’t help but think Julia Roberts is a mean old bitch, but cleverly, like in this movie.  It wasn’t terrible, and they made enough changes to the Snow White story to keep it fresh, like giving Snow White a terrible set of Einstein eyebrows and making Nathan Lane the bumbling sidekick to the Queen who remains fiercely loyal to the old crown.  Also, this might be a little bit of a spoiler, but it might be the first time that Boromir was dead and came back to life.  Good old Sean Bean.  Getting killed to death in movies since, well, starting acting.

The Five Year Engagement – I really wanted to like this movie but it kind of made me pissed.  Maybe some of the themes hit close to home but in the end it works out and fuck it.  People get married when they get married.  Asking them all the time isn’t going to speed it up.  Anyway, go watch it because it’s pretty fun.  Also, it might be the first time I really liked Brian Posehn in something.  Not that I have anything against him.  I think he’s just really believable as some asshole from Michigan who makes sandwiches, gets fucked up and high and tries his hand at pickling weird shit.  Also, Emily Blunt and her accent.  Chris Pratt is fucking hilarious in this film, in a limp dick cheese ball way.   His Spanish rendition of some song in Spanish will haunt me to my grave in a good way.

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~ by maxaverage on September 16, 2012.

2 Responses to “Not New Movie Review”

  1. Thanks for the honest reviews! I like to save movies that I know are going to be spectacular and in my face for the theaters, but often times there are movies that I want to watch as rentals. I usually take advice on what I should watch from some of the movie gurus I work with at DISH, but lately I’ve noticed that we all don’t have the same taste in movies. I noticed that several of the movies you mentioned are available to watch through my Hopper’s Blockbuster @Home app, so I’m going to try them, and see where we share opinions. I’m a big fan of Tom Hardy, so to know that I can spend an evening with him without leaving my house makes me very happy!

    Like

  2. Cool. Thanks for reading. I try to throw up some reviews about once a month but I had a busy summer. The next one will probably be in late November. Thanks again for reading.

    Like

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