Fake Ass Movie Synopses

WRITTEN BY MAX & ERIC

So the other day, Groupon sent out their daily deal and in the bottom where they try to hard to be funny, they actually stumbled upon a good idea but it was still poorly executed and through the miracles of email Eric and I decided we could do better.  Below is our back and forth exchange, but first, take a look at what the Groupon email contained:

FROM:  ERIC

On rare occasion, Groupon says “funny” things that are actually funny. And while these did make me laugh (especially “Important Dog”), I have no doubt that we could come up with better movie titles and synopses than these:

The Groupon Guide to: Fall Movie Season

It’s fall movie season and you know what that means! All your favorites are back—the actors, the directors, the lights, and the sounds. So buy the popcorn and chew the candies because here come the movies!

Maids of Dishonor: Five clumsy women are all getting married on the same day and they’re all each other’s bridesmaids.

The Rotten House by the Airport: This house has a dirty rotten secret—about eating teens.

Time Fireman 2: Now he’s putting out fires in the Renaissance and for the Pilgrims.

Important Dog: A girl’s dog is really important to her, but then she is sick, and so is the dog.

The Unexpected Family: When nobody on the block has anyone to spend Christmas with, guess who becomes a family? Them.

Touch Down Under: An Australian boomerang team has to learn to play football because of a loophole in the rules.

Oops, Wrong Bodies: When two men are getting surgery at the same time and lightning strikes the doctor’s hands, can business man be nice and can nice man make business happen?

———-

So after that email, we got started.

FROM: MAX

I don’t think we can top Oops, Wrong Bodies.  That’s high comedy right there.  But the rest…

Maids of Dishonor: A hotel filled with loose moral women has an unexpected stay from a dishonorably discharged soldier, but can they find love in time?
The Rotten House by the Airport: Hadji and the Gang are back, cooking up hijinx and crystal meth in this hilarious buddy comedy about growing up and growing apart.
Time Fireman 2:  Picking up right where Time Fireman left off, this sequel asks if Time Fireman can quench the fire in his loins for his one true love.  Released right before Time Fireman 3: You’re Fired!
Important Dog: Regular Old Dog accidentally ate 3 kilos of cocaine.  Lucky for Regular Old Dog, they were wrapped, but now the mob is after a very Important Dog.
The Unexpected Family: When nobody had a rub on the red eye that Bilge and Marley met on, they decided to throw caution to the wind.  Now that wind is blowing right back up their ass in this dramady about what happens when you already have a family, but then your mile high red eye tag shows up with: The Unexpected Family
Touch, Down Under: Jerry Sandusky and his Loose Moral Brigade visit Australia in this blaxploitation buddy cop thriller
Oops, Wrong Bodies: A squadron of vaginas sets up base camp on planet Manpiece.  Just then, Time Fireman shows up to cool their jets with his Big Time Hose.  And also his Big, Time Hose.
FROM: ERIC
Hey, do you have your Groupon guy’s address?
FROM: MAX
You mean “The Email Address” – A down on his luck digital strategist who just sold his wiener’s soul to satan requires the help of a salesman to fend off an attack from Mars!
<address withheld to protect the innocent>
Also, E, do you know <such and such>  He’s a giant douche.
FROM: ERIC
No, should I? Is he an idiot from Buena Vista?

Also, great synopses. Remember when we texted fake movie titles and synopses all day once? This could be a regular e-mail feature. For instance:
Gary loves disco but has cancer, so unbeknownst to him, the Gibbs strike a deal with God to let him live if he can win a 24-hour disco dance marathon. “Stayin’ Alive?” Starring Ben Stiller, Justin Timberlake, Jimmy Fallon, and Morgan Freeman.
Also in the heartfelt-dancer category, we have “All the Right Gloves.” Joey, a construction worker who just wants to dance, loses his left hand in a back hoe accident, and, after his foreman fires him for lack of productivity, his high-maintenance dance-partner girlfriend Candy leaves him. Dejected, he stumbles upon Melissa, a supportive high school friend turned flame who motivates him to manufacture only right gloves, pronounced “glooves,” because Joey still has all the right moves. And gloves. Starring Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston, and Jaime Pressley.
FROM: MAX
You know how movies come out together, like the Prestige and the Other Magic Movie, or Just Friends and No Benefits or whatever? or Precious and Free Willy?  Well, here’s some dual movies with basically the same plot
Tea, Anyone? – A British spy gets a lump on his noggin, now he thinks he’s a bloody butler!?  Hilarity ensues when he accidentally breaks the groundskeepers neck in a pillow fight.  By Warner Brothers
Anyone For Tea?  A British spy gets a lump on his noggin, now he thinks?!  Hilarity and drama ensue when he accidentally has sex with the groundskeeper. By Sony Pictures
———————-
I’ma gonna to ruin your life – A man swears vengeance on the grave of his dead daddy in this southern gentleman comedy about coming of age.
I Shall Ruin Your Life – A fancy dandy vows vengeance on the grave of his fancy cat in this Connecticut Yankee-meets-Dr. Doolittle thriller.
———————-
Shit Yer’ Britches – Starring Stath and Bale, this epic western shows what happens when your horse pulls a gun on you.
Britches Be Shattin’ – Starring Ice T and Ice-EE, the hood rap musical shows what happens when your car pulls a gun on you.
————————-
Well Done Brisket – In this indie love fest, Jason Segal and Anna Paquin star as meat crossed lovers who can’t agree on anything, but who still find love and mutual respect for each other through their love of cooking.
Well Done, Brisket! – That crazy dog is at it again!  This time he breaks into the White House and steals the Pope! Starring Brisket the Dog and Ben Kingsley as “Pat”.
————————
Sorry, I can’t stop laughing at the last one…
FROM: ERIC
Minutes later, Eric would write a synopsis for “Precious Willy.”
FROM: MAX
HA HA HA HA HACaddy For A Day – A young boy, tired of only picking up trash, lets the Caddy Manager touch him in this dark and twisted psycho thriller about coming of age.

A Day For Caddy – Caddy is one of those obnoxious people who’s parents were too stupid to name her Katie, so she gets raped by Gerard Butler and ends up married to the trash boy but at least he looks like a young Brando in this hotly contested musical based on true events.

—————————–

Precise Willy – A whale with super human mathematical skills saves the Empire State Building in this documentary about nerd whales.

And Bingo Was His Name O –   A dog who everyone thought was a retarded dog turns out to be super important because it turns out he’s only autistic and can count bingo balls and because of this skill he rigs the bingo game and saves the rec center in this lighthearted but weighty reboot of Important Dog.
——————————–

Fish Without Fins – A bunch of dead fish wash up on shore because they didn’t have any fins, and only Johnny Knoxville and Ben Kingsley can solve this riddle in this coast guard-meets-terminator-meets-mrs. doubtfire remake.
Take That, Preacher Man – A bunch of dead seals wash up on shore and only Steve Martin knows why, but he isn’t talking in this Bobby Fisher-meets-No Holds Barred remake of The Pelican Brief.
———————————————————-
I’ve got your number – A stalker finds peace of mind after encountering his own stalker in this Joan of Arc-inspired romcom about a young Jewish lad named Herschel who likes tall tales and his ambiguously paralyzed non-Jewish friend Gretchen.
I Have Several Numbers – In this glitzy Bull Durham remake, a psuedo washed up nightclub singer shows his less than refined replacement the ways of the nightclub scene.  Starring a hot wax mannequin of Sally Field and the Ghost of Kristen Stewart as Numby, the barely-likable cocktail waitress.
FROM:ERIC
“ambiguously paralyzed” was great, but “nerd whales” almost did me in.

Pretty Whoa Man – A ruthless businessman falls in love with his prostitute. Starring Paul Rudd and Thomas Lennon.
Witty Pro Man – A filthy stand-up comic building onto his home enlists a friendly foreman who wants to be more than just friends. Starring Adam Sandler and Kevin James.
——–
Movin’ & Shakin’ – A slimy furniture mover with franchises all around the metro develops Parkinson’s, causing him to rethink his ways and donate his riches to local Zumba classes. Starring Paul Rudd.
What’s Shakin’, Crispy Bacon? – A slimy Waffle House owner who berates his employees develops Parkinson’s, and when his disease causes a grease fire that takes out his house, he rethinks his ways and donates his riches to local urban karate classes. Starring Johnny Witherspoon, Tyler Perry as his wife, and Kevin James as Time Fireman.
———
So Much For Ottumwa – A small-town couple who co-own a sports bar and grill fall out of love, each trying to get away by moving to “the big city.” But when carded for trying to buy Sudafed and batteries, they realize they’re rooted in community and love. Starring Shit Break from American Pie, Alyson Hannigan also from American Pie, and Paul Rudd as Time Fireman.
Never Going Back There Again – A house party turns hilariously hostile when an argumentative couple sneaks off to the garage to cook up methamphetamine hors d’oeuvres for their unwitting guests, and the garage explodes. Starring Shit Break from American Pie, Tara Reid also from American Pie, and Paul Rudd as Time Fireman.
FROM: MAX
The part the did me in was when his disease caused a fire.  HA HA HA HA.  Like it’s a people!Space-Aged Paralegal – From the director of Never Going Back There Again comes the heartwarming tale of a zippy prostitute sleeping her way to a degree in legal serfdom.  But ut oh, who’s that?  It’s Paul Michael Glaser and he wants revenge for the time our zippy heroin duped him out of fifty bucks with fake hand job.  Cameos by Wil.I.Am and Representative Dead Kennedy.

Time Traveling Paralegal – Time Fireman Mac Ladderman has had enough of putting out fires, so in this trip-fantastic, he does a fuckton of drugs and jumps centuries doing grunt work and heavy lifting for hot shot attorneys like Ned, Socrates, and Ned Socrates.  Ut Oh, who’s that?  It’s Ben Kingsley in a poodle skirt and he wants revenge for the time he tried to give Wil.I.Am a fake hand job.  Cameos by Precious Willy and Caddy Manager star Rupert Grint.
—————————-

No Time Like The Past – Time Fireman is back and better than ever as he jousts with Time Cop in this heartfelt Disney fuckfest.  When the Hamburgler lights the castle on fire, it’s up to Mac Ladderman and the Ghost of John Cena to solve the crime!

No Past Like The Future – Tom Selleck and Winston Churchill star in the gay lover’s farce about being sixteen and coming of age.

——————————

Tyler Perry’s Low Down Once A Month Bleedin’ Madea – Tyler Perry is back in the whitesplotation film, part Old Yeller, part 16 Candles, this rollercoaster tragidramady was ‘tyler made’ for picture of the year as nominated by the Tumbleweed Association of the United States of America.

Tyler Perry’s Hot Damn Sally – In his first movie since Anyone For Tea? director Bim Turton shows you how to sass.  Starring a rusty Shirley Temple and a barely-legal Burt Reynolds, this coming of age tale is part Fiddler on the Roof, part Commando, but all sass!  Look for cameos from a Hot Wax Sally Field and Rep. Strom Thurman!

FROM: ERIC
You want a gay lovers farce? I got a gay lovers farce:

FROM: MAX
Here’s a few more I need to summarize sometime:
All the kings yams
A toothpick for Colby
To plot against the canary
The bishop of keokuk
Twice fooled
Muss, Fuss
Fucking Jim Dandy
Two faced ape and the empty sack
Who cooked these eggs?
Fooled: thrice
The bridge to someplace
Best beer summer
Tokyo flatiron
Cowboy Car
Cowboy car 2: unbridled amusement
Cowboy car 3: unhorsed
The fiddler in the basement
A q tip for Sally
The gelatinous cripple
A queef in time
The shampoos of Seville
A shitzu named dumpling
The eatingest bear
FROM: ERIC
You Win Some, You Lose Some – Gerard Butler does his best work as an international poker player of mystery, but oh how the tables have turned! When his co-conspirator wife, played by Hot Wax Sally Struthers (much wax was harmed in the making of this film) is kidnapped by Russian spy Nos Trovia, he must decide, is it worth the pot, or does he shit the bed?
FROM:MAX
Go Back In Time, Machine: Wil.I.Am is back, and he’s teaming up with Barely Legal Burt Reynolds in this coming of age biopic about the time he tried to give Fake Ben Kingsley a real hand job.
You Have A Pretty Mouth – in this Kiss The Girls-meets-Speed-meets-Guess Who send up of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Kevin Bacon stars as a time traveling hot wax artist on the take!  But he can get away with it because…You Have A Pretty Mouth.  Cameos by One-Armed Tom Hanks and Drunk Brian Adams.
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~ by maxaverage on October 11, 2012.

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