Not New Movie Review


Not New Movie Reviews are when I go back and make dickhead comments about movies that came out sometime, but are not in the theater currently.

Guardians of the Galaxy: I really like this movie and that weird-headed broad above. I thought the green chick was good, too, and when Groot was a little tree I thought it was great. I thought Svenning was a great bad guy. I’m pretty excited about a follow up to this and I think you should go see it and this. Plus, I loved Gilmore Girls. Director James Gunn’s brother, Sean, was Kurt in Gilmore Girls. Nice little tie in there for you if you like that show. If you don’t like Gilmore Girls then I have to assume you are an idiot because that show is super smart and if you don’t get it I think you have a problem and should get it checked out.

Captain America: Civil War: This was the worst Marvel movie to date. The action sequences at the beginning were poorly shot. The dialogue was boring. Spiderman was cool. He and Ant Man kind of saved the movie, and I think if they had not been in it I would have been pissed off. Marisa Tomei as Aunt May was a hot choice. Do you think Spiderman has premature webulations? I really went from 0-60 there in two sentences. It’s my blessing and my curse.

Daredevil Season 1: This isn’t a movie but fuck you, it is a really long movie like Ten Commandments and Ben Hur. I go up to complete strangers after watching this and aggressively tell them to watch it. It has everything. Leggy blondes? Check. Blind fighters? Check. Drunk dads? Car door decapitations? Drugs? Asians? Character developments? Check, check, check, check, check. I recommend watching this series or I will blindfold you and make you fight me.

Daredevil Season 2 AKA, The Punisher: HOLY SHIT. Go watch this fucking series right now.

Jessica Jones: I thought this series was fantastically sarcastic and deliciously dark. I have a soft spot for Krysten Ritter. In this, she is a great asshole. The best assholes are the ones who probably are big assholes but still care enough to do something to try to make things better, and are also bleached and not gaping, er, sorry.  Crossed the streams of thought on that one. Anyway….they are just cranky and frustrated and probably pissed all the time because it’s so hard to make change. But they put on their dickhead personality and go to work every day kicking ass and cracking wise because that’s what you do. Well, in this series her asshole character kicks ass and goes to work. We also get to truly get to know Luke Cage. Speaking of which…

Luke Cage: Of all the marvelous superhero spins, this one is probably my favorite so far. The reason Luke Cage was so great is the character development and acting ability of Rosario Dawson. I’ve never considered myself a big Rosario Dawson fan, been kind of ambivalent actually, but her role as Claire Temple, nurse to superheroes, is superb. Watch this now, and when Diamondback has cheesy lines in the last three episodes, recall this is a comic book and enjoy it for what it is.

Today’s Special: If you go to your local diner, don’t order the special. The special is the leftovers from the day before or the shit that is about to expire. Nobody puts filet minion on the special list, because that shit is not special. That shit is gold. You do not give away gold at a discount, and you do not put the finest food on the special list.  Also, if you are in a small town, like Denison, Iowa or Shitwad, Missouri (sorry, don’t know any small towns in Missouri) don’t order pasta. Their wheelhouse is probably prime rib and fried chicken. It’s what they do hundreds of times per day and it’s what they know. They won’t screw it up. It’ll be the same two years from now that it was two years ago. If you order the special or the Italian, I hope you choke. Anyway, speaking of Today’s Special. I recommend watching it on Netflix and fucking while it plays. It’s the only way you’ll form a meaningful connection to the movie. Final note: the chick from Teeth is in this and I kept hoping this would be some sort of weird sequel to that. Boy was I disappointed!

Tomb Raider, The Cradle of Life: I watched this one night while I played video games and watched football. So I was real engrossed. I wanted to make a tired womb raider joke here, but that’s been done a thousand times. You know what’s actually cool about this movie? This article about real life that has nothing to do with the movie. I’m trying to tell you to read more and watch this movie less.

The Kingsman: This movie blew my mind, only because I had very low expectations heading in. Turns out it was then a fucking blast to watch and pretty well done. Samuel L. Jackson’s character was a perfect cross between Mace Windu and Cecil B DeMille. There’s a really nice anal sex joke at the end, too, if you’re into that kind of backdoor humor. (Note: I am all in on backdoor jokes.) It’s a highly entertaining film that hope has a couple of sequels.

London Has Fallen: The sequel to Olympus Has Fallen, London does, in my opinion, a better job of set up, a better job of action, a more realistic approach to the plot, and overall a better movie is made. Gerard Butler is back as Secret Service agent Mike Banning. He’s a man of few words. He kicks ass and never asks for names. Honestly, it’s the closest thing I’ve seen to a throwback action flick since Expendables, and that’s such a self-felatio I don’t even think it counts. Seriously, if you could blow yourself while shooting a gun and catch it on video, it would be the Expendables.  I’d watch London Has Fallen three times before I’d watch anymore childhood abortions like Expendables, Expendables 2, or 3xpendables.

Welcome to Me: Speaking of bleached assholes, this movie goes way up its own ass in an effort to be cutesy and quirky. I laughed a few times at it, but I really think the thing I learned from this is that I only sort of like Kristin Wiig and her awkward characters don’t really hit the mark for me.

Sisters: Speaking of unbleached assholes, this movie was another example of when funny people don’t spend enough time actually crafting some jokes. There were a few spots that hit the mark, but there were a lot of marginally funny things that really could have benefited from some extra development. Sadly, it just came through as my everyday conversations and not something crazy, over the top, or even original. You should only watch this movie for the music box assholing, or if you find Tina Fey attractive in the way you found your friend’s mom attractive. Marginally, but she was the best looking thing in that house.

That’s it for now. I have several other things to write reviews on, including a bunch of BBC dramas.  I’ll get to those in short order. In the meantime, don’t sleep on Jessica Jones or Luke Cage.  Great television!


~ by maxaverage on November 6, 2016.

One Response to “Not New Movie Review”

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